why get so upset about not being allowed to hurt someone? Aislinn Ritchie/Flickr

Why get so upset about not being allowed to hurt someone?

Because, really, that’s what this amounts to. If a law was passed to make it illegal to assault someone with your fists or a gun or a knife… hang on, I’m pretty sure they have those in most places. Ok, so if they made it illegal to smash up someones property… oh, that’s right, that already is too. Ummm, how about bullying? Illegal. Negligence? Criminal. Balls! Right… what about… if a traffc cop pulls you over… in New Jersey… annnnd, he asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”, and you respond with, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”? How about that, smart guy? Is that illegal?

$300 fine. Gah! Alright, I’m going to have to get even more creative – if they made it illegal for a large, fast-moving motor vehicle to pass a cyclist at a close enough distance that it indirectly or directly causes the cyclist physical, mental, and financial harm – and maybe even a bad case of death – that… well, that doesn’t actually sound that crazy, right?

Wrong! It doesn’t sound crazy to you because you are an idiot. And you’re ugly. Everyone knows that murder, assault, vandalism, bullying, and criminal negligence are totally ok when it involves a cyclist. Obviously. I mean, yeah, of course I’m be fine with changing lanes to go around buses and parked cars. If I hit them that would get expensive. Or something. I accept that poorly signed road diversions due to construction are just a part of life. I suppose that’s just someone cleaning up my roads for me, after all. Red lights? Ehhhh, it’s a bit of an affront to my basic human rights, but I guess there’s not much I can do about that now. Plus I’ll get a fine if I go through one. And the yellow one kind of makes it fun. Oh yeah! Seat belts! What a joke that is! Nobody can tell me whether or not I can leave myself open to certain death. Nobody but this guy, because this guy isn’t a sucker.

And because I’m not a sucker, I’m not going to stand for these lycra-clad bellends mincing around on their spinning nut-crackers using up any of my lack of attention. I’ve already got enough on my mind as it is. That text isn’t going to send itself.

That law probably won’t work very well anyway, but just in case, I don’t want it passed because I don’t want to be charged with anything actually illegal if and when I do hit a cyclist. Pfff, criminally responsible. Can you imagine?

You watch. If this goes through, next they’ll you know they’ll take away all our cars, we’ll have to live in communes and be forced to eat grass. Bloody cyclists. Get a car.

So why get so upset about not being allowed to hurt someone? Beats me…


Header image: Aislinn Ritchie/Flickr